Randomosity
by Solar Light
Summary: Random moments in the life of Bella Swan. I'll probably do a lot more of these.
1. Let Me Go!

"Edward, _please_ let me go."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"What if I begged?"

"No."

I sighed. Okay, if he was going to be like that, then I would have to get more creative. Two hours and Edward hadn't let me go. Not that I minded sitting in his arms, but one needs an occasional break from sitting motionless for two hours.

"I have to go to the bathroom," I announced.

He grinned. "Nice try."

"Um…I'm hungry?"

"You just ate this afternoon." He winked.

I let out another frustrated sigh, and decided to change tack. "If you don't let me go," I threatened, "I'll…uh…"

How did you threaten a vampire? Edward seemed to be thinking the same thing, as he said, "You can't threaten me, Bella."

"I'll bite you!" I declared finally.

He looked skeptical, and then burst out in a fit of laughter. I rolled my eyes to the ceiling while he composed himself. "_You're _going to bite _me_?"

"Yep," I said. "So if you don't let me go in three seconds, I'm biting you. And it shall hurt."

He pressed his lips together firmly and finally let me go. "Are you happy?"

I smiled. "Very happy."


	2. Philosophical Enlightenment

"Hey, Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"If a tree falls in the forest, but no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Edward frowned at me and answered, "Where did that come from?"

I shrugged. "I just want to know what you say. Think of it as a philosophical enlightenment."

His brows pulled together over his topaz eyes and then he said, "Yes."

"Why?"

"Well, even if a _human _wasn't around to hear it, a vampire probably could," he replied confidently.

"But suppose said vampire was too far away," I countered.

"Well, it was probably the vampire who knocked over the tree in the first place."

"Okay, say that vampire suddenly got amnesia and forgot why he was in the forest in the first place, and left. _Then _would the tree make a sound?"

"Vampires can't get amnesia," Edward argued.

I sighed. "Okay, then. Suppose the vampire saw an irritated grizzly, and decided that it would be more fun to chase the grizzly than waste his time knocking over trees."

"The tree still makes a sound."

"But no one's there to prove it scientifically!"

"Bella, do you love me?"

I was shocked. "Yes."

He grinned. "Prove it scientifically."

I groaned exasperatedly. "You're weird."

"I know."


	3. Tickle Fight

"Ack! Stop—it—Edward—!" I gasped between laughs.

Edward only cackled evilly and continued to tickle me, his fingers dancing lightly over all my ticklish spots (which basically covered my whole body).

"Ooh, do I hear a tickle fight?" called a familiar voice from up the stairs. Two seconds later, Emmett and Alice were standing alongside the couch, grinning as I was tortured. As I feared, they soon joined in, and I was tickled by not one pair of hands, but three.

Rosalie passed by then, rolling her eyes, and I heard her mutter, "You guys are so immature."

"Stop—stop!" I pleaded, rolling onto my side, trying to curl into a ball to protect myself.

Edward finally stopped, and Alice and Emmett copied him. I panted and relaxed.

Bad idea.

They swarmed again, tickling my stomach so that I was back to laughing and gasping. I kicked out, making them all flinch away, and bolted for the door. In my haste, I tripped, and was caught by stone hands. Edward brought me to his chest, chuckling. "Never try to outrun us, Bella."

I scowled.


	4. Click

_Click._

_Click._

……………

_Click. Click._

"Bella, quit clicking your tongue."

"Okay."

……………

_Click._

"Bella!"

"What? I'm bored."

"You're _supposed _to be working on your Biology homework."

"What are you, my mother?"

"No, but I am your vampire boyfriend, and I say to work on your homework."

"Fine."

……………

……_Click_.

"ACK!"

"Edward, you're ripping a hole in the couch!"

"I am? Oops."

"Esme _loves _that couch."

"Um…maybe she won't notice."

"Are you kidding? It's the first thing she'll see."

"Well, if you hadn't been clicking your tongue, it wouldn't have happened!"

"If I hadn't been bored, I wouldn't have been clicking my tongue!"

"If you'd been working on your Biology homework, you wouldn't have been bored!"

"If you…uh…weren't a vampire with superhuman strength you wouldn't have torn a hole in Esme's couch!"

"That's beside the point."

"So!"

"Bella, you're absurd."

"Fine. Let's just work on our homework."

"Fine."

……………

_Click._


	5. Click, Part II

"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!"

"Uh-oh."

"Um…bye, Edward!"

"No you don't!"

"Ack! Let me go!"

"You have to stay here and give me moral support!"

"Why?"

"Because you're my girlfriend!"

"But I—"

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY COUCH?"

"Um…nothing, Esme."

"What do you mean, 'nothing'?! There's a giant hole in it!"

"It's not really _that _giant, it's more of a—"

"You can't see Bella for a month!"

"What?"

"_What_?"

"Okay…three weeks."

"Esme!"

"A day."

"But…"

"No 'buts'!"

"Can't I just pay for the couch?"

"Okay…okay, I suppose that will work."

"Thank you, Esme. I love y—"

"I expect the money by tomorrow!"

"_What_?"

"Okay…three days."

"But I can't get the money that fast!"

"Edward, you have a rich vampire father. Get some from him."

"Yes, listen to Bella, Edward."

"But…"

"I'm going to go and inspect the hole further. And if you tear _another _hole in it, you can be _sure _that you won't see Bella for at least a day!"

…………

"Bella, why did you have to start clicking your tongue?"

"I love you, Edward!"

"Ugh."


	6. Vampiritis

"Bella, are you _sure _you're okay?" Edward asked me for the millionth time.

"I'm fine, Edward. It's just a cough, don't worry about it," I reassured him.

But shortly after I finished this statement, I gave a sneeze so powerful that it jolted me backward into Edward's couch.

"I'm taking you to Carlisle," he said firmly, taking me by the hand.

"Bella!" came a sudden voice from outside the closed door. Emmett burst through, waving a piece of paper high over his dark, curly head.

"Gee, thanks for knocking," Edward snarled angrily.

Ignoring him, Emmett said, "I found out what you have! I looked it up on the Internet and it's called _vampiritis_."

"Excuse me?" Edward said. "There isn't a disease called vampiritis."

"Yes, there is," Emmett contradicted. "Bella, you've been spending too much time around us. Now you have this disease."

I looked hesitantly between Edward and his brother, coughing some more.

"Carlisle, come here," Edward said in a tone as though Carlisle were in the same room. In less than five seconds, Carlisle _was _in the room.

"Yes?"

"Emmett thinks Bella has vampiritis," Edward informed him skeptically.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow at Emmett, who said, "It's true! I found it on the Internet, right here." And he waved the piece of paper as evidence.

"Let me see it," Carlisle said, holding out his pale hand. When he glanced at the paper, he froze. Something about his facial expression told me that if he could blush, he would have.

"Um…Emmett," he said, "this isn't vampiritis."

"It isn't?"

"No."

Wordlessly he handed it to Edward, whose eyes quickly skimmed over it. Then he glared at Emmett and roared, "You _idiot_!"

I quickly stole it from Edward, and read…

_Vaginitis: _a sexually transmitted disease in women that generally causes an inflammation of the—

…and crumpled the paper at the speed of light.

Heat flooded to my face, and I sneezed again, my body launching backward onto a nearby pillow.

"What?" Emmett said, looking blank.

"Emmett," Carlisle sighed, "please go hunting and don't come back until you've killed a two-headed grizzly."

"But there aren't any two-headed grizzlies."

"Exactly."

Still looking lost, Emmett shrugged and vanished from the room.

"I'm going to the hospital," Carlisle announced, determinedly looking at Edward and not at my crimson face.

Once he left, Edward muttered, "I'm going to _kill _my brother."


	7. Poor Alice

"Beeeeeeeeeella!"

Oh no. I knew that trilled, musical voice almost too well. Should I pretend I wasn't there? Of course not…she knew I was there. Should I pretend to be asleep? Would she fall for that? How did you fool her?

"C'mon, Bella, we're going shopping!" Alice announced, bouncing into the room with the excitement akin to a five-year-old in Disney Land. Rosalie soon emerged behind her, looking both amused and annoyed at her sister's behavior.

"Charlie just called!" I blurted out unthinkingly. "He needs me to come home because there's a stray poodle outside and Charlie is afraid of stray poodles because of some weird childhood thing that happened to him involving a poodle and now he's scared to go outside and right now he told me he's hiding upstairs in his room watching the poodle out of his window so he called me to come home and try to chase the poodle away so I need to go home."

By the end of this rambling speech, I suspected that my face had turned blue, and I sucked in a great breath of air. Rosalie had lost interest in my story after the first few words, but Alice was staring at me with her mouth hanging open.

"Alice?" I asked hesitantly.

"I thought I was the only one," she whispered.

"What?"

Now Rosalie's attention was back, and she was looking at her sister as though questioning her sanity.

Alice's golden eyes looked from me, to her sister, and back to me again. By this time Edward had come down the spiral staircase.

"Bella, I think we should…Alice?" he asked, seeing his sister.

"I thought I was the only one who was afraid of poodles," Alice said. "Oh, _wow_! I'm _not _the only one! Charlie's afraid of them too! I can finally admit my fears!"

We all stared at her dumbly, before Edward finally burst out laughing, which turned into a half-roar that only a vampire could achieve. He dropped to his knees and finally was rolling on the ground. I was grinning widely just watching my boyfriend, who was usually so calm and well-mannered. I imagined that if he could have had tears of laughter in his eyes, he would.

Alice had her hands on her hips, while Rosalie looked vaguely amused.

"You're afraid of _poodles_?" Edward finally said. "You track down, kill, and drink the blood of half-ton grizzlies, but you're afraid of _poodles_?"

"Who's afraid of poodles?"

Jasper and Emmett had just entered the room.

"Alice," Rosalie said immediately.

Emmett and Jasper both stared at Alice, who was looking extremely embarrassed right now. While Jasper fought to keep his face straight, Emmett burst out laughing just like his bronze-haired brother.

Suddenly, Emmett's laughter died like a light bulb going out. Alice was standing over him, and despite the fact that she was only half his size, the look she directed at him had him cowering.

"W-well…" he stammered, "I suppose we all have our fears, don't we?"

She nodded. "That's better."


End file.
